"I was walking along the road the other day, just like that, when I saw a cricket ball laying in the gutter, so I picked it up and carried on walking. A little bit further on I saw another cricket ball laying in the gutter, so I picked that one up and carried on walking. A little bit later I saw this tiny little cricket crying its eyes out..."

"The girl was beautiful … she had long blonde hair right down her back … nothing on her head … just right down her back."

"I went out with this redhead once … no hair … just a red head."

"My next trick involves mind over matter ... if you don't mind ... it doesn't matter".

"It's not the principal ... it's the money!"
Off the cuff comment after a barmaid had short-changed him - witnessed by actor Michael Medwin.

"I'm sorry, I can't help but laugh - coz I know what's coming next."

"It was so funny, I laughed myself sick. That's hard to do you know.... laugh and be sick at the same time."

I went to the Doctor and I said "I don't know what's wrong with me lately ... I just can't stop telling lies".
The doctor said: "I don't believe you!".

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the doctor and I said "Doctor, I feel like I'm a set of curtains"
The doctor said "For Heaven's sake man, pull yourself together"

I went to the doctor and said "Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home"
The doctor said "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome to me"
I said "Is that common?''
He said "It's not unusual"

Last night I slept like a baby. I woke up three times, wet myself twice and cried myself back to sleep each time.

I came home one night and my wife was crying
I said "whats wrong?"
She said "I'm home sick"
I said "This is your home"
She said "Yes and I'm sick of it"

At The London Palladium:
Tommy Cooper: Do you like football?
Her Majesty The Queen: Not especially.
Cooper: Can I have your cup final tickets, then?

This woman rang the other day, she said it's safe to come round nobody's in.
So I did, and she was right. Nobody was in.

I went to the doctor the other day, I said "I've broke my leg in three places." He said "don't go to those places."

I went to see my doctor the other day.
Terrible news about The Titanic.

I went to the doctors
He said "I'd like you to lie on the couch"
I said "What for?"
He said "I'd like to sweep the floor"

I went to the doctors
He said "What appears to be the problem?"
I said "I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away"
He said "How can I help?"
I said "Break my arms!"

My wife had a go at me last night
She said "You'll drive me to my grave"
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrant. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrant made lousy violins.

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
"Can't you ring your bell?" She said
"I can ring my bell," I said "But I can't ride my bike"

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out
This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said "Do something religious".
So I took up a collection

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: "Would you please blow into this bag, Sir"
I said: "What for, Officer?"
He says: "My chips are too hot"

I got stopped again last night by another policeman.
He says: "I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station"
I said "What For?"
He said: "I've forgotten the way"

So I said to the taxi driver,
"King Authur's Close"
He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights"

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered.
I said "Is Jim in?"
She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me.
So I asked again.
Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow.
"Sorry luv" she said "We buried him last Thursday".
"He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?"

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said "What do you want?"
"I'd like to stay here"
"Ok. Stay there"

I went to the doctor.
He said "you've got a very serious illness"
I said "I want a second opinion"
He said "all right, you're ugly as well"

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner"
I said "Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat"

I went into this ice cream parlour.
I said "I'd like a vanilla cone"
The assistant said "Hundreds & thousands ?"
I said - "No - I'll just have the one"

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken is cold'.
He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'.
He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.

I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my six year old nephew, and I fell off.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought "This is unusual".
The dentist said "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'

I was in Margate last year for the summer season.
A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism."
So I did, and I got it.